I write, what could be my last article ever, onboard a flight on Frontier Airlines.
What is Frontier Airlines? I’m glad you asked, because I had never heard about it until my parents booked this flight. To keep it short (as I need to save my phone battery, seeing that there are no charging ports) it’s the joke of all airlines, as far as I’m concerned.
First, $45 dollars to check a bag. On the way to D.C. we flew United and each bag was $25. Not too bad compared to $45. I fly somewhat often and have never paid $45 to check a bag. For that price my suitcase better be down there getting a full body massage or a three course meal. Shit.
That’s offense numero uno. I’m just getting started, my friend. We haven’t even left the ground yet.
Second, they are called “Frontier”. Their app seems to nail the Frontier animal group, the loading screens boast bears, foxes, and birds you’d find out in the wilderness. Good job! Then you get on the plane and find out that their mascot is a DOLPHIN! There’s even a dolphin on painted ON THE PLANE itself.
Third, you’re going to have the audacity to charge me for water and snacks?! That is a HELL NO situation. Even the shortest flights, on the most simple airlines, will they toss some pretzels and ginger ale at you. $2.99 for a pop? No thank you! Bitches.
Fourth, what is this?! A tray for ants?!
Mind you, that is a normal sized water bottle. And no, I’m not sponsored by Hint, but if someone from that company is reading, helllllllo! I’m a big fan of your watermelon water!
Fifth, I am what they call petite. At a whopping 5 ft 2 inches, and 90 pounds, I don’t take up a lot of room. But check that photo out. How would normal sized people fit?! The answer is: they don’t. Everyone looks miserable and squished.
Sixth, as mentioned above, no charging outlets. Ok fine, I get not having outlets on short flights. I’ve gone back and forth from the desert to San Fran or Sacramento enough to not require an outlet. But this is a 4 hour flight.
Seventh, if you know the flight is going to be miserable for your passengers, just reschedule the damn thing. Most of this ride has been awful. Aside from 20 minutes so far, the seatbelt sign has been on. They mentioned it before we even left the ground. “Uhhhhhh this is the uhhh (line please!!!) captain speaking…the crew from the flight coming in said it’s going to be bumpy, so hold on to your seats, because this is gonna suck! Hope non of you get motion sickness…or are afraid of flying!”
Eighth, (seriously there shouldn’t even be eight items on this list, but alas, here we are) are captains (pilots?) supposed to come out and flirt with the stewardesses while they’re waiting to use the restroom?
I don’t know, at this point, I think the dolphin could do a better job at getting us back on the ground safely.
Which, just a side note, the dolphin’s name is Mia. MIA. Missing In Action. Might as well just name the plane “Amelia Earhart”.
Number nine. Number nine…NO WIFI!!!!
If I die on this plane, just make sure Arby’s caters my funeral.