Meet the biggest jerk on local television.

Jerk on local TV Clarks

Yeah, that guy! And not because he is riding around on a bike with his tiny shorts and no helmet.

If you watch CBS This Morning in The Coachella Valley, you see him all the time (seriously though, between him and Lisa from Banner Mattress telling you what station you are watching, there are no other commercials that air during the program). If you are lucky enough not to have seen this son of a bitch, here is the backstory.

In the beginning we meet a nice looking woman who is having some issues with what she eats.

Nice woman clarks pizza

The woman, who appears to be both healthy and skinny, tells herself over and over that she needs to quit “eating this stuff” but, whether it is pepperoni pizza or a gigantic burrito…

Nice woman burrito
…she just can’t help it.

Even on a bike ride, she gives herself a hard time as she snaps into a Slim Jim…

Nice woman slim jim

And, just when it appears that she has reached rock bottom, along comes Mr. Douchebag…

Jerk on local TV Clarks

“You’ve got to stop eating that stuff,” says the snarky motherfucker as he rolls up on his Schwinn. Ummmm, what the hell, Dude? Do you even know this woman? And if you do, have you not recognized she has some self-esteem issues?

Have you thought that maybe it all stems from you acting like a total asshole? And this, a Slim Jim on a bike ride, this was the straw that broke the camels back for you? Really, dude? Come on.

Maybe she enjoys having one these comfort foods every once in a while because of you, man. Because you are always “working late” with your “assistant” Deborah. We all know what is really going on with you two. But your poor wife has stayed with you all these years, even though you treat her like crap.  And she did it for the kids.

And those kids have grown up to be such great human beings, but not because of you, what with your constant criticism of them and you never finding the time to attend even one of Tommy’s football games. He scored the winning touchdown last week. Did you even know that?

But do not worry, our story has a happy ending.  It seems that the hero of our :30 story has found her way to a grocery store…

Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 9.51.57 AM

…and there, in that Clark’s Nutrition, she found what she really needs.  No, not healthy food (look at her, she is thin as a rail and she is clearly active by biking) – no, she found Lance.  Lance not only wears long pants instead of tiny shots, but he is also a nice man who is going to treat this woman the way she deserves to be treated.

She soon leaves her jerk husband and in the divorce gets everything but the bike and his tiny shorts.  She then spends the rest of her life with wonderful Lance.  The spend their days cycling, they spend their nights making passionate love to one another, and – most importantly – they understand that having a slice of pizza or burrito every once in a while is normal, so they don’t act like dicks about it.

Watch:


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