Here’s what I think about Christmas (note: I wrote this after several drinks)

Well, I just got back after some super fun holiday shopping. Instead of running people over in the Desert Crossing shopping center, I decided to go to Albertsons (shout out to the one on Deep Canyon and 111!) and buy the alcohol. Now, I weigh about as much as a stuffed My Little Pony doll, so it doesn’t take much to get a good buzz going.

I don’t drink (often), but after the last 24 hours of holiday shopping, I felt it was 100% necessary. I’ve been to Michael’s (twice), the 99 cent only store (twice), The Dollar Trees (all of them) Costco, Walmart, Neighborhood Walmart, Walgreens (to pick up photos), Rite Aid (for ice cream), Joann’s (twice), Wendy’s (for a Frosty), Target (twice), Walgreens (again…after realizing I forgot to order photos the first time I went to pick them up), Ross, Marshalls, and of course the fucking mall. Now, I don’t know if it’s just me being a horrible planner (it is), or if this is the norm for shoppers around this time of year (it’s gotta be). Like a pinball game that never quite ends. Bouncing around like an idiot.

A thought that always goes through my mind is, “well I can just get ____ at ____ later.” When in all reality, no, I won’t get it at _____, I will just end up right back here at this stupid store hours later, possibly the next day, because ______ doesn’t have that particular product. Or maybe they do, but it was cheaper at ______ so I’m going to go back there and get it. TOTALLY disregarding the fact that, once you factor in gas, you are spending the same amount of money. Possibly even more.

*Stop reading this if you believe in Santa…I’ve got some real talk comin’ at ya right now.

I have to be “Santa” for my daughter this year. Which means I have to get her a Christmas present, plus a gift from Santa, plus the stuff that goes into her stocking, my stocking, and a third one we have accepted into our very exclusive club. What sort of guy would Santa be if he didn’t bring the whole family stocking stuffers?! He’d kind of be a dick, right? Riiiiiiiiight!

Well Santa can’t be a dick, because she still believes in him. So I get a gift that will be “from him”, and it’s a good gift, let me tell you, my issue is why should he get all the credit!? This guy got some badass stocking stuffers, each tailored to the individual, too. I didn’t get the same shit for everyone. I done did good.

Knowing what I know now, I really have a lot of appreciation for my parents. They got my sister and I some awesome “from Santa” presents when we were kids, and they just let that fat dude get all the credit. Having to get a separate wrapping paper for the Santa gifts, remembering to dispose of it, eating the cookies (eh, that one isn’t too hard to do), not making any noise as you put everything out. It’s so stressful. Accomplishing that and NOT getting caught? That’s a damn Christmas miracle right there. Shit.

To all of you readers who are playing the role of Santa this year, I am proud of you. Godspeed, may your feet be swift and silent.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. Spending time with family is great, usually there is ham, and the annual family viewing of A Muppet Christmas Carol makes it all worth it. Just the adulting part of it really sucks. There is so much responsibility that comes with it!

Anyway, my cousin and I were talking about the holidays and how things are just insane. She sent me a link to this video and I got a big kick out of it. I hope you do too. It’s hilarious and really sums it all up. It is the main reason I sat down at the computer with the alcohol and busted this beauty out. Enjoy it, I hope it makes you laugh!

I hope you all make it out alive. Happy helladays! No, wait, that doesn’t work unless you’re from up north. Happy Hellishdays! Hmm. That’s sort of dark.

Happy holidays, y’all!