CBS Local 2 took a few minutes to scare the shit out of parents in The Coachella Valley about all the toys this holiday season with a segment entitled “Trouble in Toyland”.
The annual “dangerous toys segment” (viewable for some devices below, others can see it here) promises a “list of toys you should avoid” – but that list is never provided on the air. Instead, viewers are directed to go to the CBS Local 2 website to see the report (I mean your kids safety is important – but so is increasing Local 2’s page views dammit!!).
Things begin with anchor Kris Long noting this is important information for your “kids, or maybe grandkids. or maybe great-grandkids” – ahhhh yes, “great grandkids” – Local 2 definitely knows their demo.
Then, because every Coachella Valley TV segment has to begin with random, seemingly nice yet totally unqualified people hanging out in parking lots – we hear from a lady who “looks for loose, loose objects” before buying toys. Solid advice that I am pretty sure that 99% of people already know.
From there. reporter Joe Galli shows how Local 2 “stands for you and your child’s safety” by showing off a a Mickey Mouse tambourine with high levels of chromium in it – Joe also mentions that he bought the toy…because why not support the dangerous toy industry you are warning us about by actually purchasing one of the dangerous toys? He also mentions where it is available, just in case you want to pick one up yourself.
Also killing your kids this year: batteries and balloons – which, once again, Joe bought (seriously, why does he keep supporting the companies making these dangerous toys?!?).
No word on what tonight’s top story will be, but we are guessing Christmas tree fires…
Be afraid. Be very afraid.