Dearest Boatman Bugs,
I am writing this letter to you in the hopes of gaining some sort of understanding. Did I do something to you that made you, as a whole collective, avoid me and my car? Every morning I wake, excited for the day, hopeful that I will walk to my car and see thousands of you waiting to greet me. As a friend to all critters, this is slightly concerning.
I log onto social media, only to see my friends and family posting about you and your constituents, that have chosen to congregate on their vehicles. They don’t seem to happy about it. Where as I, would be a’ight with it.
I go to my daughter’s swim practice, and see that you are holding a massive pool party. Thousands of you floating around, probably talking about all great things you’ve been doing in the desert. Perhaps my invite got lost in the mail, but I’m guessing that’s not the case. It’s ok though.
If it’s the color of my car, I can’t change that. Maybe it’s the fact that your family members are spattered all over my grill. I could do something about that, but I won’t. I like my Jeep dirty. That’s how it should be. Maybe I should apologize for subjecting you to that horrific scene. I will definitely consider cruising through the car wash, if that would change our friendship status.
The whole thing is leaving me pretty despondent. If there is a representative from your group that could reach out and discuss a possible solution, please let me know. My other option is to just grab handfuls of you and literally toss you onto my car, but that’s icky.
P.S. I’m cool with all of you, except that one asshole boatman bug that I found in my lettuce last night. Whoever you are, I hope you’re having fun singing with your penis, because I could have DESTROYED you right then and there.
P.P.S. Stop being a bunch of jerks and let’s be friends already!
Editor’s note: Boatman Bugs, when you read this, please go see Mari and leave my car the hell alone already.